Bizarre adoption challenges

In the preparation to the adoption, whilst all the legal processing was being dealt with in both countries, I read lots.  Anything remotely to do with adoption I read.  I talked to people who had been there, done that and ultimately got the t-shirt and found out many things.  Some I never realised. Some I didn’t even believe.  I can hand on heart say, that until you have adopted, these things would not cross your mind.  So I thought I’d share an insight with you.

(Please bear in mind I adopted an older child from institutionalised care.  These ‘facts’ may not be true of children adopted domestically from foster homes and WILL not be true to ALL children.)

1.        Children from institutions can find it difficult to feel hot or cold!  If no one is there in your younger years to tell you what the feelings are or telling you move out of the sun because you’re hot, or to wrap up warm when you’re colder, how would you know?  Bizarre, but we struggle with this one a lot!  Lutaaya is NEVER cold!  Or so she seems to think!

2.       Children from institutions struggle with emotions.  Again linked to the one above.  Our emotions/feelings are learned.  If no one explains them or distinguishes between them, you get confused and they get muddled together.  So when you feel excited it may make you misbehave, because you simply cannot pop a lid on that emotion and it becomes too much to deal with. 

3.       Children from institutions find it difficult to make decisions.  In any setting and for any decision.  These children have never had an option to choose anything.  They have lost control of their life at a very young age and most would have had every decision made for them in an institution.  Believe me, this one takes time and patience, and the ability to limit decisions in every day life.

4.       Children who have been in an institution for a long time learn the art of manipulation.  This sounds harsh but is so true.  They go to the people who will give them what they’re looking for, regardless of who that person is.  They are good at bluffing.  If I act childish you’ll treat me younger.  If I smile and act sweet, you may give me a gift.  Fight or flight I guess?

5.       Children from institutions don’t believe in themselves and their abilities.  They have never received praise, they can’t cope with their emotions.  So if they get praised for a piece of work they are very likely to simply sit and destroy it.  It can be a tricky thing not to then give them the reaction they want, as it’s only the negative feedback they are used too.

All in all, children from institutions see the world in a very different way.  And why wouldn’t they?  Where they’ve been is not nice, it’s not fun and it’s not a home!  I’ve listed only 5 points but there are many more!  Every day is a learning experience when you see it through your child’s eyes.  Every day we learn new ways to deal with the hundreds of things written about in adoption books, and those that we experience in our family but we live in hope.  Things are changing and a previous institutionalised child will thrive in a family.  They will start to overcome the hurdles they face.  They will, in time, adapt and realise that this is different to what they know and that it is better. 

The moral of the story has to be:

Let’s get children out from institutions and into families!!!!

This adoption learning curve

I opened this blog up to any question or query you wanted to ask a while ago.  Even if it was only for me to re-tell a story that you may have heard me talk about.  The one thing I promised was to answer EVERYTHING. 

And you know what, I always try my very best to keep my promises.

So whether I message you back individually, or post a new blog, I really will answer everything you ask.  I’m sure some of you are already aware of that as I have answered some emails. 

The thing is.  This is MY blog.  It’s OUR story, Lutaaya and I, but ultimately I choose what goes on here and what doesn’t.  There are obviously things that are personal to us that I would not choose to post on a blog, and I hope you can respect me in doing this.  After all, no 10 year old wants their WHOLE life published on the internet. 

So I must admit, I have kept the blog as light-hearted as I can.    I don’t want Lutaaya to ever read it and think I didn’t do her justice.  In saying that, there have been days, (more challenging days), when all I have wanted to do is sit and share everything happening in a blog.  Then I lack courage and it stays inside me. 

The stories of sweetness and light do not make a FULL adoption story.  There are days when things get on top of you or you doubt your abilities in different situations.  There are days when things are simply challenging.

One question I publicly published on the blog as a result of my blog challenge was, ‘what’s the most difficult part of adopting an older child?’  And you know what, it’s something I have wanted to blog about but never have done.

I opened this blog up, and now it’s time to keep my promise.

So Deb, this one’s for you!

This adoption journey has certainly been a huge learning curve in my life.  It was the first time for me to parent, let alone deal with issues that adoption brings about.  So after dealing with the frustrations of the whole process, I finally get my girl home.  And then there are things that no matter how many books you read, you can never prepare for!

I mean, I expected there to be attachment issues.  There are bound to be when my child had no main caregiver to provide for her in the first 9 years of her life.  I was prepared in as much as I could be for that.  I understood that even though my love was unconditional for her, she doesn’t have that YET for me.  She has no clue of what it feels like to be ‘mothered’, she only knows how to be a mother.  (She took on a lot of responsibility for caring for the younger children at the home.)

She doesn’t know that FOREVER, really does mean FOREVER!

I can’t make her know that she is here for good.  I can’t make her understand that I am her mother.  I can’t help her recognise that I will never stop loving her no matter what. 

She has had so many people come and go in her life that she has an in-rooted concept that I too, will one day not be there for her.  This really does break my heart.

Then the distinguishing between me and others.  How does a little girl really appreciate that even though lots of people care for her and love her, she really does only have one mother?  And yes, one of the hardest issues of the whole attachment disorder, is the fact she can sit and hug, and be close too, virtually anyone else, but will shy away from me.  This was worse in the earlier stages of bringing her home and isn’t so much an issue now, but it’s still there.  It’s a tough battle.  It’s difficult to ask someone not to speak for Lutaaya.  When she needs that pause to think of her answer and someone steps in on her behalf.  I find it so frustrating.  When she hangs on someone’s arm or around their neck and I feel the need to step in and tell her to just sit at the side of them as those cuddles are special for Mummy’s and their girls, part of me feels like I’m betraying her.  But she really doesn’t know how to differentiate between relationships.  Initially she thought all people were friends and safe, then we went to the stage of stranger danger where she refused to speak to new people or even acknowledge they were there!  We’ll get there I know we will as we’re making progress every day.

Even in typing ABOUT these challenges that all stem from attachment issues, I wouldn’t say this is the MOST difficult thing for me to deal with.  So over the next few nights, I’ll keep adding and hopefully give you an insight into our adoption journey, of adopting an older child.

Our Fairies

The whole inter-country adoption process is not just very lengthy and intrusive; it’s also very expensive. 

(I have been asked as one of my blog challenges to write about the expense so that’s a blog for another day!)

Add to the paperwork and legalities of adoption, the fact that you now have an energetic 10 year old and a full time job, then time is little and life gets pretty hectic.

I can hand on heart honestly say that I couldn’t manage without ‘our fairies.’

Every week, since I returned to work, we have had an ironing fairy.  She flits into our house, takes our pile of ironing and returns with it all neatly pressed in bags.  All sorted into Mummy clothes and Lutaaya clothes.

Every week since returning from Uganda with Lutaaya, we’ve also had a shopping/treat fairy.  She turns up every Wednesday night with a bag full of goodies.  Any treats that Lutaaya or I want, plus those essential items.  The fairy even rings on a Monday evening to find out what’s missing in our cupboards to restock! 

So I take this opportunity to say thank you to our fairies.  You know who you are!  Because since being a Mum, I haven’t had to do many BIG piles of ironing, just the occasional item now and then, and I haven’t done a FULL shop either!

And there have been many more ‘fairies’ in our lives too over the adoption process.  Those who have helped out financially, or by giving of their time.  Whether it was a one off gift of an item we needed, or simply being there to listen on our more challenging days.  Thank you for continuing to share in our journey.

Off to court we go.....

Monday 4th July 2011!  Lutaaya whisked off to school and then me and my mum, drove to Cardiff to go to the court. 

A very important date in the diary for our journey.

The time when we hear if we can go straight to an adoption ceremony or be asked for more information or further documentation.

The 'what if's' running through my head.  What if they want something I don't have?  What if I'd missed something?  What if something isn't stamped in the right place?  etc, etc, etc......

Oh ye of little faith hey?

Deeper in me, a knowledge that Lutaaya is already mine.  That I am her Mum whatever a court says.  That I will fight til the ends of the earth for my child.  That God already has a plan for Lutaaya and that plan has her in our family and living in Wales.

That's the part I cling too!

There were so many similarities going to court here as there was in going to court in Uganda.  We walked through a busy city to get there, the sights and smells so different but yet so similar.  The security checks as you go through the door.  The uncertainty of not knowing your way around the building.

Finally we made it to reception with a lot less hurdles than we experienced in Uganda, like the electricity remained on and lift worked!  The lady at reception appeared shocked when I said I was prospective adopter.  Apparently I should have entered through the back door?!?!?  No one told me that!  And then the realisation on her face that this is an inter-country adoption and there is no chance I'll bump into birth parents in the waiting room. 

So we sit and wait to be called through.  The social worker running late so we're in this alone.  And you know what?  I didn't care!  This is MY adoption case and I CAN speak for myself and my daughter.  As in Uganda when I desperately wanted to share my love for Lutaya, knowing I was THE only person who would show true passion towards my case, to the judge there who sat, looking down at my file and not wanting to hear from me.  This time, I knew I could have the opportunity to speak for myself and Lutaaya.

Our case called and we are directed to a court room.  Window open just as in Uganda.  So many silly little facts that stick in your mind hey?  This time the man behind the big desk welcomed us in.  Huge smile on his face and happiness in his voice.  Such a lovely man.  I apologised for the fact the social worker wasn't with us, but he disregarded this and said if I was happy we could proceed.

Of course I'm happy.  Let's get this sorted.

But you know what?  This man had a heart for the orphan!  He wanted to give Lutaaya a forever family in Wales!  Yay!  He could see that I AM her Mum!

So all we needed to do was have a very informal chat about how Lutaaya's settled, what she likes and dislikes.  And then.......

SET A DATE FOR AN ADOPTION CEREMONY!  Hallelujah!

It's over!  Our legal journey is soon to be at it's end!

And you know what that man behind the big desk with the smile said?  He asked what day would Lutaaya like?  My girl finally gets listened too!

Did she want the judge to be in robes?  Would she like family and friends there?  What date suits her?  Would she like the judge to bring his dog??  I mean, how cool is this court?  Lutaaya is going to love her court date!

So 4th August is our official adoption day!  We'll be off to court in the morning to give Lutaaya her special day and make her part of my forever family...... forever!

Best bit....4th August is also my Goddaughter's birthday!  How amazing that the two special girls in my life will have the same special day?!?!?!

And guess what I had to greet me when I shared with Lutaaya the news that this judge was going to say YES when she has to go to court..........?   

A GIANT SMILE!  GRIN FROM CHEEK TO CHEEK! 

That's all my girl needed to hear to finally feel at home! 

Court Date!

So, last week we got the letter I had been waiting for, dropped through our door!

We had news from the court that we could go before the judge, in the next step of our adoption journey.

So to summarise for anyone who missed the Ugandan part of our journey.  I went to Uganda with all intentions of adopting Lutaaya there.  Unfortunately, the judge, had other plans and I was encouraged to take legal guardianship instead.  In this way, I could leave the country legally with Lutaaya, and apply for adoption in the UK.  We then found out that we needed to be in the UK 6 months before we could apply for adoption here. 

So here we are!  Court date allocated.

But.....

due to inter-country adoptions being so few and far between here, the judge has called me not for a final hearing, but for a directorate hearing.

I'm not an expert in the law here but this seems to mean that it gives the judge opportunity to speak to me and my social worker.  Check everything is above board, and then make a decision as to what we do next.

He could ask for further information or another hearing.  He could indicate in this hearing that we can go for the final hearing where Lutaaya will be invited to the ceremony and everything will be signed and sealed!

This is the outcome we need!

It would be wonderful to finally have the official paperwork stating that Lutaaya is adopted legally in the UK and to move on in our lives, rather than have court dates, paperwork and general adoption process stuff hanging over us!

Please pray with us that the judge will show mercy and compassion in his decision.  Please pray that the whole process will come to an end soon and that we can celebrate the end of the legalities.  Please pray that our final hearing will be as soon as possible so that we can then apply for Lutaaya to become a UK citizen.  Lutaaya doesn't have to attend court this time so she'll be happy in school as per usual.  Please pray that she copes in the coming days.  All this talk of court, judges and decisions is a lot for a little ten year old girl to deal with.

Our court date is Monday.  We will be in court at 10am (GMT). 

Thank you in advance for your prayers x

Only Brit in town

When I told my local social services department of my wish to adopt Lutaaya, there were many hurdles.  The main one being, no one knew quite what to do.  Inter-country adoption is very rare in the UK, although it can be done and is being done.   Individuals are often not all from the same community so never hear of each other.  I was in a fortunate enough position to know of some families who had already completed the process, who lived in Wales and had adopted from Uganda.  In fact, they had adopted from the very same orphanage Lutaaya is from.  I knew it was possible, I just needed everyone else to be optimistic too.

Knowing I was out on my own in respect to adopting from Uganda, I sat through adoption training, seeing some relevance but having no real link with domestic adoption (adoption taking place in the UK).  My case was to be different.  My case would be rare.  My case would follow different guidelines.  My case would have more obstacles. 

Then to travel to Uganda and see SO MANY people doing just the same thing as me was wonderful, awe-inspiring even!  Such an amazing blessing to be part of this community.  Meeting and talking to other people who had the same heart for the children in Uganda and who were becoming forever families too.

One slight difference:

 I was the only Brit it town. 

Everyone else adopting were Americans. 

I have no clue why inter-country adoptions are more commonplace in America than they are here in the UK?  It still costs money, it’s still a difficult and lengthy process.  We have no drive or national publicity campaign promoting inter-country adoption.  Maybe that’s why?  Who knows?  All I know is for my adoption journey process,

I was the only Brit in town.

I linked up with lots of American families adopting, during my time in Uganda.  Some stayed in my guest house, others adopted from the same orphanage.  Some I knew simply on the basis of a smile and greeting, others I spent lengthy days with, helping each other out on our down days and supporting each other as and when we could. 

One day, towards the end of my visit to Uganda, I convinced myself that I had lost my accent.  I believed that due to me only hearing American accents, that I had picked up on it too.  Lutaaya heard ‘Mom’ or ‘Mommy’ so many times that I was sure that’s what she’d think she had to call me.  (I think the Ugandan culture and sunshine by this point was taking it’s toll.) 

The funny thing is, on talking to Nathan and Bethany, they believed they were picking up on my accent!  To any Ugandans listening in, we must have sounded a right odd group, especially when you add in eyebrow yes’s as Ugandans so often do. 

It didn’t bother me being the only Brit in town.  I would rather be with like-minded people from wherever they are from in the World than be stuck in an adoption process on my own.  What this time did though was open the door to a new way of thinking.  No, not all children in orphanages are orphans.  Yes, if there can be family traced and the family are able to protect, care and provide for that child in their home, then that is the best place for them.  But if there is no alternative for these children, they shouldn’t simply be left to ‘rot’ in orphanages around the world.  Let’s promote fostering and adoption.  Let’s start with advocating this in their home countries, so they can keep their culture and customs alive, but let’s also not close the door on the idea of inter-country adoption.  This is a process that should be celebrated and promoted, when it’s in the best interest of the child.  My friend Keren wrote here, in her blog about a recent domestic adoption taken place in Uganda.

And no, I’m not expecting all you Brits to run and ask social services if you can start an inter-country adoption today.  In fact I think I’d discourage it.  It has to be the right choice for you.  It has to be the right choice for that child.  Read Keren’s blog here to find out that not only ‘orphans’ end up in orphanages.  Let’s get promoting adoption and fostering in our own countries!  There are so many children in the UK waiting for families to come forward.  They aren’t all babies, but imagine the joy an older child could bring to your life.  Let’s get behind those people who choose to foster and adopt.  Children are children from whatever part of the world they are from.  They all have dreams, ambitions and needs.  Let’s become a more accepting nation to the idea of fostering and adoption. 

Then maybe I won’t be the only Brit in town! 

And if anyone reading this has already adopted, inter-country or domestic, please do get in touch, regardless of what stage of the process you are in.  Sometimes all you need to know is you are not alone.

Blog Challenge!

I’ve been writing my blog over the past six months now.  I’ve tried to post on things that are important to me.  I wanted to use the blog as a way to share our adoption journey with everyone, near and far away friends.  I also thought that in years to come it would be a wonderful way to look back at our journey and see how far we came for both myself and Lutaaya. 

I want my posts to include current experiences that we are having as a family, court dates, realities of adoption etc, whilst also keeping links with Uganda, that special country that has captured my heart.  I often link with other people’s blogs to bring you even more updates of adoption or Uganda. 

(And now here comes the ‘but’.)

But I realise I haven’t written about EVERYTHING.  The start of our journey is missing for instance.  No one knows how this whole link with Uganda started for me.  No one knows when it all began or how.  No one knows how long the adoption process has taken or the costing around it all.   No one knows of other work I carry out in Uganda.  No one knows if I have more plans to return to Uganda or if I feel the Ugandan journey is complete or ongoing.

So here’s your chance.

Bloggy buddies.  I know you read my blog but what do YOU want to know?  What question about adoption, Uganda, us as a family would you like answered? 

I want to continue with this blog and I have a list of things I plan on blogging about but I also want to hear what blogs you’d like included. 

So there’s the CHALLENGE!

Leave a comment on here of your question or send me a message via facebook.  I won’t guarantee to answer them all instantly, but I will promise to answer them all over time.  Please don’t be worried about asking, as I will share what I can.  Even if you’ve spoken face to face with me about our adoption journey, if you think it’s relevant to share with others, just ask!  I promise to reply to every question/comment and you never know, maybe your topic will be blogged about in the near future.  So whether you know me as a friend, simply as an acquaintance, or have stumbled across our blog, this is your chance to be a part of our story.

I’m excited to hear what you want to find out, so get thinking, type that question then be brave and send it to me.