Shadow faces in the dark

With Lutaaya’s adoption being passed and processed and the paperwork looming, there have been lots of comments of her being a lucky girl!

To Lutayaa, her world was turned upside down the day I removed her from the orphanage.

To us on the outside world I did the better thing.  I took a child, whom I love dearly, out from an institutionalised setting and gave her a home, a Mum, a family.

To Lutaaya, I took her from everything she had ever known.

Add to this the fact that at approx. 18 months old, this little girl was abandoned by her birth mother, who had cared for her during those months and left on a doorstep, you end up with a very hurt little girl. 

A little girl, who is certainly anything but ‘lucky’. 

Yes she will be blessed with endless love here.  Yes she now has a family to call her own.  Yes I will, wherever possible keep her culture alive.  Yes she is more fortunate than the ones left behind.

But from visiting Uganda regularly myself, even I know some nights it’s tough to go to sleep.  Too difficult to forget.

Sometimes it’s too much to simply try and ignore all those little faces that whirl about in your head of all the little ones left behind.  All those who don’t have the blessing of a family or a home.  All those who tonight, will go to bed hungry.  All who don’t have a goodnight kiss and get tucked into bed.  All those who are yet to feel loved.

I only ever visited.  I have never lived there. 

And still I see them.

I can’t imagine what Lutaaya feels like when she recalls her friends.

They are not statistics to us.  They are not faces without names.

They are Jo-an, Martha, Tom, Abu, Diane, Miriam, Jessica, Annette, Innocent, ………………………………..

All real.

All with a personality of their own.

All loved in our hearts and held in our prayers.

Lutaaya's on the right.  With some of her friends the day before she left her former home.

Having fun with some of the other children.  Not sure why the head scarf?!?!?

So tonight, please let them enter your head too, and if you are the praying kind, please say an extra prayer for each of them.

That our miracle-maker God will hold each of them closer to Him and find all of them the RIGHT family.  That God will show you the path of a way to help these children. 

Then I heard the voice of the Lord, saying, “Whom will I send?  Who will go for us?”  I said, “Here I am.  Send me!”

Isaiah 6: 8

God moments or coincidence?

Whatever you call them, they've been there!  All the way through our adoption journey.

It has amazed me how many ‘adoption related’ people God has brought into my life since starting the adoption process a few years ago.  I don’t mean people who supported me in the adoption or social workers, solicitors, etc, but those who have either adopted or are in the process of doing so.

He made sure they were the

Right people

At the right time

In the right place.

I knew of some couples locally who had adopted from Lutaaya’s former home.  The Rileys  were a blessing all the way through my process, as they were able to point me in the right direction after being there, doing it and getting the T shirt.  Little did I know that when I started the UK side of the adoption God was moving mountains for the Rileys’s to live in Uganda.  So when I went to court, Mark and Keren had moved continents and were right there the whole time I was in Uganda.

During my stay in Uganda we were blessed with meeting some of the families who were adopting Lutaaya’s friends, making a special friendship with the Gaddis family. 

I mean, how cool was it, that we ate at the same restaurant, on the same night as Joyce and Jaydn’s new parents? 

Pretty Cool! 

Sure amazing!

We could have eaten anywhere in the city that night.

We could have gone for food later or earlier.

Only God could have timed our meeting, so that our sweet girls, will always have those memories to cherish, and us parents, will always have the link of support and friendship.

Only God.

Even the stay at our guest house opened up a wave of opportunities and new people.  There I met Deb with her two little darlings.  And not forgetting Grandma!  In a small gesture of simply sitting and talking with me, they gave me the courage to keep fighting for Lutaaya and now I love to read their blog and hear what’s happening that side of the world with Little Seth and Leah, (who by the way needs prayers at the moment - details here.  Let’s get this precious girl free from HIV!)

Like I said - Only God.

On arriving at Adonai Guest house, a charming little fella met us at the door and helped carry our bags.  Initially I thought he must be one of the children at the guest house, but we later found out that he was in fact being adopted himself and his Mamma was staying at the guest house too.  I never got to know his Mum’s name but he sure did fill the short time we were there with giggles and fun.  Amazingly, his Mam, Tammy, managed to track me down via facebook, months after we returned home, and we can now keep in touch.  Great news in that even though Nathan and Lutaaya never met, they’ll have so much in common, and we as Mum’s of older adopted children can share stories.

Wow - only God.

Then there was Stacey, with little Benjamin and Sadie.  Oh how did they fill our days with friendship and laughter.  We loved looking after Benja when Stacey had her hands full.  And looking back they were such a blessing, as they entertained Lutaaya and kept her from not missing the children at the home.  Stacey also linked me with a Ugandan facebook page for adoptive parents.  I have been ever grateful for this link.

Through Stacey we managed to meet Melissa.  A one off meeting while we were in Uganda but I became hooked on reading Melissa’s blog.  We prayed her baby Mercy home.  And only God could answer.  And Oh How He did!  So thankful they are now home and finally a forever family together.  Through this link, our local church has managed to send £200 to Melissa’s appeal for the Oasis children’s home.  Thank you to everyone who gave so generously.

In reading Melissa’s blog more I realised she had visited a detention centre that broke my heart during my first two visits to Uganda.  Somewhere I often think about.  Somewhere that was difficult for me to deal with or to understand. 

Only God could have made me meet Melissa, and read her blog, so that I got these very needed updates on the detention centre.

Only God could have brought all these wonderful people into my life.

At the right place.

At the right time.

All the time the path has been paved ahead of me to follow and meet new people on their journey’s that also interlock with my own.  And there are many more to those mentioned, that you can see links too on my blog page.

‘In all your ways acknowledge him, and He will make your paths smooth.’ 

Proverbs 3: 6

Our New Arrival!

So the day after Lutaaya’s adoption, she had her own chance to go through another kind of adoption process;

Welcoming our new arrival - Benny.

Isn’t he gorgeous?

We already have a cat - Gypsy.  Lutaaya was a little apprehensive around Gypsy when she first came home, but recently has been better with her.  Even so, every comment has been that Gypsy is my cat, not hers.

Lutaaya kept mentioning that she’d like a dog.  I must admit I was tempted to look for a small dog for her, but thinking of the responsibility and the ties you have when you have a dog, kept me coming back to saying no and recommending another cat.  To this she said she’d like a black and white cat.  Not sure why or where this came from, but black and white has been the chosen colour for a long time.

So last week I saw an advert saying:

Kittens free to a good home.

Hmmmmm…… time to think fast on this one.

I made a phone call to the man and asked about the kittens.  Only one remaining.  Dare I ask what colour?

Grey!

Uh! 

Well I asked for his address and off we go for a visit.  Not really what she had in mind but a kitten none the less.  Part of me hopeful that she falls in love with him as soon as she sees him.

And as we go through the door…….

Little Benny is VERY dark grey…………..dark enough to be called black!

So the day after lutaaya’s adoption, we adopted little Benny. 

He has been a little star in settling in to our family and our routine.  Initially Gypsy was not impressed at all.  She hissed at him contantly and growled whenever he came in the same room as her.  Uh oh, I thought, maybe we’ve made a blip here.

But I can pleasantly say that this was the scene this morning just before I left for work. 

Best of friends maybe?

Lutaaya's Adoption Day

Our big day finally arrived.  4th August 2011, Lutaaya's adoption day!  Yay! 

Finally Here!

Finally Adopted.

So my precious girl put on a best outfit and off to court we go!

It was quite reminiscent of the day we had in Uganda, with the rain lashing down outside.  Then it turned weird.  I left Lutaaya in the house to go get my car from the garage and ended up being followed by a strange character to my garage, who I was sure, if I'd left the keys in my ignition, would have stolen my car!  He really sent the creeps in me.  Thankfully, my gift of the gab, managed to get me out of the situation and I was able to collect my precious girl. 

I thought about the day we had when had court date in Uganda. 

Oh yes, I remember a lot of things happening that almost made us miss our court time. 

Today, WAS NOT, going to be a repeat performance!

Mum turned up with some surprise 'adoption' things.  A little badge for Lutaaya and an adoption card.

I cannot speak highly enough of Judge John in our court.  He was such a nice man and made Lutaaya so much at ease with everything.  He explained how she was the most important person in the room that day.  He told me how he had admiration for me.  He wished us all the best for our future together.  He had a personality and he had a laugh with us!

Yes this is me, playing Judge!  Don't think a change of career will be happening any time soon though.

Having a spin in the Judge's chair

Our court room

Lutaaya and Judge John

Having fun!

Lutaaya wasn't too keen on having many photos taken.  We managed to get a few though.

My Mum came with us for the adoption ceremony.  She later treated Lutaaya to a trip to the Build a Bear shop, where Lutaaya could be creative and make an adoption bear.

Meet Lola!

We grabbed a quick lunch and a wander around Cardiff, and then headed to meet some of our family for a meal and to see Grease the Musical.

The perfect end, to the perfect day.

Finally forever!

And an added note as this surprised me soooo much.

We were late travelling home, but no later than we have been on other occasions if we've been out doing something or seeing a show, etc.

Today was different though.

On the way home, Lutaaya fell asleep in the back of the car!

She has NEVER slept whilst travelling before!  N. E. V. E. R.

She always seems quite apprehensive and fearful of the possibility that she may wake up and we'd be gone!  Maybe a recurring thought from a prior event of her earlier childhood memories when birth Mum disappeared?  Who knows?

But today.....she slept.  Maybe she is now aware that I am hers forever and now she can sleep easy and TRUST that I will always be there for her.

The frustrating system

The main frustration I have in adopting an older child, has had nothing to do with Lutaaya as a person, but the ‘system’ we have ultimately in the UK!  This ‘system’ is wonderful to many.  It served me well and I kind of fitted.  But not all kiddies do fit!

Lutaaya doesn’t fit this ‘system’.

Not many adopted kids fit.  Not many bereaved kids fit.  Not many low ability kids fit.  The list goes on……….

Our one system for all concept, certainly doesn’t FIT!

Let me explain.

I was fortunate enough to have some time to spend with Lutaaya both in Uganda and in the UK when I was able to take adoption leave.  Being a single Mum, meant I could only manage to take the basic leave, as personally, we couldn’t make ends meet if I had to drop to only statutory adoption pay.  So I returned to work twelve weeks after Lutaaya was placed in my family.  In one sense this time was priceless.  In another, it was over too quickly. 

In those early days I tried my best to become Mum and teacher.  Add to this the time of year we arrived in Wales (Christmastime) and you’ll appreciate the hustle and bustle my little girl was brought home too.  In hindsight, I can see that Lutaaya had THAT much to understand, learn and experience from a social level, that all the ‘teaching’ I did was simply a case of going through the motions.  I mean, she listened and she sat patiently as we worked through activities, games and worksheets.  She participated fully, but in the bigger picture, there was so much else that she needed to learn to live in this new country and be a part of a family, that she couldn’t retain everything.

Soon enough Lutaaya had to join our education system.  We realised relatively quickly how far behind, academically, Lutaaya was to her peer group. 

Lutaaya didn’t fit!

Lutaaya had been schooled in Uganda, but the teaching there isn’t comparable to UK standards.  Children in Uganda progress by ability rather than age, so in Uganda, Lutaaya was a Year 2 pupil.  In Wales, due to us working on an age levelling system rather than ability levelled, Lutaaya suddenly jumped to Year 5.  Woah, what a jump that was!

We were soon realising that Lutaaya had not only to catch up on the basics, but had to also try and keep up with her peer group.  A difficult job for any child to do, let alone a sweet girl who has just moved from one country to another and is experiencing two very extreme cultures. 

One of the most difficult parts of adopting an older child, in my experience has been to watch her struggle.  To see the look of disappointment on her face when she can’t work out her homework.  The look that almost questions my choice in bringing her from Uganda to Wales. 

In amongst this there has been a very resilient little girl present.  A little girl who refuses to let schoolwork and her past teaching get her down.  A little girl who continues to impress me each and every day. 

Not scared to try anything!

Reaching new heights in more ways than one!

I am so proud of her.

My little girl, won’t let this system that doesn’t fit her, win.

I continue to be both Mum and teacher.  I will continue to do this each and every day.  We will get Lutaaya up to the same level as her peers.  We will work through additional issues that are raised in subjects such as R. E. when she has to reflect on her past.  We will work through explaining to teachers Lutaaya’s background so that they can start to appreciate what subjects/topics she will find difficult to talk about.  We will raise awareness of this one for all system not fitting all children.  We will raise awareness of the issues adopted and fostered young people have to deal with to those who will listen, and to those that won’t listen, we’ll talk louder so that they do.

We will find what strengths my little girl has.  We will encourage and support 110%

And when Mum turns teacher, we will also have lots of fun together.  Just some things we got up too this weekend:

Designing some canvasses for Lutaaya's bedroom

It's not only arty, it's messy!

Urgh!  Can you believe this is the same girl who wouldn't bake cookies for want of staying clean 6 months ago?

Voila!

Ending the day with an attempt of some Ugandan cooking

Enjoying her mandazi treats

Bizarre adoption challenges

In the preparation to the adoption, whilst all the legal processing was being dealt with in both countries, I read lots.  Anything remotely to do with adoption I read.  I talked to people who had been there, done that and ultimately got the t-shirt and found out many things.  Some I never realised. Some I didn’t even believe.  I can hand on heart say, that until you have adopted, these things would not cross your mind.  So I thought I’d share an insight with you.

(Please bear in mind I adopted an older child from institutionalised care.  These ‘facts’ may not be true of children adopted domestically from foster homes and WILL not be true to ALL children.)

1.        Children from institutions can find it difficult to feel hot or cold!  If no one is there in your younger years to tell you what the feelings are or telling you move out of the sun because you’re hot, or to wrap up warm when you’re colder, how would you know?  Bizarre, but we struggle with this one a lot!  Lutaaya is NEVER cold!  Or so she seems to think!

2.       Children from institutions struggle with emotions.  Again linked to the one above.  Our emotions/feelings are learned.  If no one explains them or distinguishes between them, you get confused and they get muddled together.  So when you feel excited it may make you misbehave, because you simply cannot pop a lid on that emotion and it becomes too much to deal with. 

3.       Children from institutions find it difficult to make decisions.  In any setting and for any decision.  These children have never had an option to choose anything.  They have lost control of their life at a very young age and most would have had every decision made for them in an institution.  Believe me, this one takes time and patience, and the ability to limit decisions in every day life.

4.       Children who have been in an institution for a long time learn the art of manipulation.  This sounds harsh but is so true.  They go to the people who will give them what they’re looking for, regardless of who that person is.  They are good at bluffing.  If I act childish you’ll treat me younger.  If I smile and act sweet, you may give me a gift.  Fight or flight I guess?

5.       Children from institutions don’t believe in themselves and their abilities.  They have never received praise, they can’t cope with their emotions.  So if they get praised for a piece of work they are very likely to simply sit and destroy it.  It can be a tricky thing not to then give them the reaction they want, as it’s only the negative feedback they are used too.

All in all, children from institutions see the world in a very different way.  And why wouldn’t they?  Where they’ve been is not nice, it’s not fun and it’s not a home!  I’ve listed only 5 points but there are many more!  Every day is a learning experience when you see it through your child’s eyes.  Every day we learn new ways to deal with the hundreds of things written about in adoption books, and those that we experience in our family but we live in hope.  Things are changing and a previous institutionalised child will thrive in a family.  They will start to overcome the hurdles they face.  They will, in time, adapt and realise that this is different to what they know and that it is better. 

The moral of the story has to be:

Let’s get children out from institutions and into families!!!!

This adoption learning curve

I opened this blog up to any question or query you wanted to ask a while ago.  Even if it was only for me to re-tell a story that you may have heard me talk about.  The one thing I promised was to answer EVERYTHING. 

And you know what, I always try my very best to keep my promises.

So whether I message you back individually, or post a new blog, I really will answer everything you ask.  I’m sure some of you are already aware of that as I have answered some emails. 

The thing is.  This is MY blog.  It’s OUR story, Lutaaya and I, but ultimately I choose what goes on here and what doesn’t.  There are obviously things that are personal to us that I would not choose to post on a blog, and I hope you can respect me in doing this.  After all, no 10 year old wants their WHOLE life published on the internet. 

So I must admit, I have kept the blog as light-hearted as I can.    I don’t want Lutaaya to ever read it and think I didn’t do her justice.  In saying that, there have been days, (more challenging days), when all I have wanted to do is sit and share everything happening in a blog.  Then I lack courage and it stays inside me. 

The stories of sweetness and light do not make a FULL adoption story.  There are days when things get on top of you or you doubt your abilities in different situations.  There are days when things are simply challenging.

One question I publicly published on the blog as a result of my blog challenge was, ‘what’s the most difficult part of adopting an older child?’  And you know what, it’s something I have wanted to blog about but never have done.

I opened this blog up, and now it’s time to keep my promise.

So Deb, this one’s for you!

This adoption journey has certainly been a huge learning curve in my life.  It was the first time for me to parent, let alone deal with issues that adoption brings about.  So after dealing with the frustrations of the whole process, I finally get my girl home.  And then there are things that no matter how many books you read, you can never prepare for!

I mean, I expected there to be attachment issues.  There are bound to be when my child had no main caregiver to provide for her in the first 9 years of her life.  I was prepared in as much as I could be for that.  I understood that even though my love was unconditional for her, she doesn’t have that YET for me.  She has no clue of what it feels like to be ‘mothered’, she only knows how to be a mother.  (She took on a lot of responsibility for caring for the younger children at the home.)

She doesn’t know that FOREVER, really does mean FOREVER!

I can’t make her know that she is here for good.  I can’t make her understand that I am her mother.  I can’t help her recognise that I will never stop loving her no matter what. 

She has had so many people come and go in her life that she has an in-rooted concept that I too, will one day not be there for her.  This really does break my heart.

Then the distinguishing between me and others.  How does a little girl really appreciate that even though lots of people care for her and love her, she really does only have one mother?  And yes, one of the hardest issues of the whole attachment disorder, is the fact she can sit and hug, and be close too, virtually anyone else, but will shy away from me.  This was worse in the earlier stages of bringing her home and isn’t so much an issue now, but it’s still there.  It’s a tough battle.  It’s difficult to ask someone not to speak for Lutaaya.  When she needs that pause to think of her answer and someone steps in on her behalf.  I find it so frustrating.  When she hangs on someone’s arm or around their neck and I feel the need to step in and tell her to just sit at the side of them as those cuddles are special for Mummy’s and their girls, part of me feels like I’m betraying her.  But she really doesn’t know how to differentiate between relationships.  Initially she thought all people were friends and safe, then we went to the stage of stranger danger where she refused to speak to new people or even acknowledge they were there!  We’ll get there I know we will as we’re making progress every day.

Even in typing ABOUT these challenges that all stem from attachment issues, I wouldn’t say this is the MOST difficult thing for me to deal with.  So over the next few nights, I’ll keep adding and hopefully give you an insight into our adoption journey, of adopting an older child.