Snow days

We've had a fun few days lately as the snow came our way.

There's been snow, snow and more snow, meaning everything came to a close.  Transport came to a standstill and people only seemed to be venturing out if they really needed too.

Unless, like us they fancied some snow fun.......

Everywhere looks so picturesque and the snow seems to make everything have a magical feel about it.  Sometimes we take for granted how beautiful things are around us, but the snow seems to magnify that beauty.

Fundraising Friday

The Motherless
This film beautifully puts why we go for those few moments to show a mothers love to the motherless.

Supporting and Understanding the Adoptive Family

This blog is taken from another adoptive Mum's blog, who adopted a little girl a few months after Lutaaya, but who was a similar age.  Ashlee's blog can be found here.  I have been amazed at how similar our journey's have been, even though, we, nor our girls, have ever met.  There are so many similarities to our girls adoption journey's and we seem to be getting to and through each stage at a similar pace.  This blog is so helpful for people on the outside looking in and Ashlee does such a wonderful job putting it across, that I simply had to share it.  If you know someone who has adopted or is currently in the process, it is well worth a read, even if they've been home a while. 

 

About eighteen months ago our family expanded through the adoption of two children. We have learned so much and the family and friends who love and support our family have also learned a lot. Though we had previous parenting experience, this journey has had it's own unique joys and challenges.

Many adoptive families give written advice and suggestions to friends and family prior to the new child's arrival to help ensure a smooth transition. I didn't do this because I felt like it would be too difficult to put my wishes and feelings into words without sounding too harsh or controlling and honestly I did not really even know what to say. However, after being home for almost a year and a half, it is clear that most people have great intentions but that they want and need suggestions for what they can do to help our adopted children integrate into our family and into the community. Here are a few thoughts about supporting an adoptive family. Most pertain to families who have adopted internationally and also to those who have adopted through the domestic route. It was compiled based on our experience and also on the the experiences of a few dozen other adoptive parents who contributed their ideas and suggestions.

Our children are not necessarily grateful to have been adopted.
And we don't expect them to be. It is not that our kids don't notice the stability of a family. It's not that they don't cherish the love that they are receiving or that they don't like their new life. It is because children are programmed to need, want and expect love. When we provide it we are not heroes, we are simply meeting one of their very basic needs. Expecting adopted children to be grateful for being adopted is like expecting our biological children to be grateful for being conceived. It was a choice that we, their parents, made and that they were brought into.

Please don't feed my kids. 
For children who have known hunger, food means love. We want them to learn to love us, their parents and siblings, before they bond with extended family, neighbors and friends. I know that they stare longingly at anything edible. I know that our two year old puts his head on the table and looks at you with puppy dog eyes. But since we were not there to meet their early needs (breast or bottle feeding, comforting them when they were sick, changing diapers, kissing boo boos) we need to make up for it by meeting as many of their physical and emotional needs as possible now. Many adopted children also have food insecurities. Some eat until they vomit and then start eating again. Others hoard food, needing the comfort of knowing that there is some saved for later. It is best to leave all feeding to the parents unless specifically directed otherwise.

Parenting an adopted child is hard work and we struggle.  
We may tell you that were okay when we're really falling apart. We're worried that if we are honest about how difficult it is that you won't understand and that you'll think we're nuts. Adding a child who may or may not have anything in common with us socially, culturally, biologically or even personality-wise is challenging. Though undoubtedly beautiful and worth all of the struggles, adoption certainly isn't always easy or pretty.

It is greatly appreciated if you choose your wording carefully, especially around our children. 
Yes, these are all our "real" kids (though sometimes it would be nice if all of my kids, adopted and biological, had "off" switches) and, in most situations, you probably do not need to specify whether you are talking about my "adopted kids" or my "biological kids". They are all my kids even if they joined us through different paths.

If you'd like to offer support (meal, help with house cleaning, etc) when an adopted child joins the family,  please do even if we don't reach out and ask.
Many of us won't specifically ask for help or tell you what we need. However, I don't know a single adoptive mom who would turn down an offer to have a group of friends tidy/clean her house during those first few weeks at home with a new child. Likewise, coffee and chocolate are most always welcome and might be exactly what a new adoptive mom needs to get through those challenging times of adjustment!

Please don't try to get our child to like you the most.
Attachment and bonding are challenging enough without having friends and family slip our children candy, shower them with gifts, offer seconds at meals or encouraging bending and stretching of family rules. We're already working our tails off to get them to like us. With consistency and time they will learn to like you too, I promise.

Our adopted children had lives before they joined our family. 
They had/have birth families and other relatives who are important to them and who deserve recognition and credit too. They have had life experiences that, while sometimes different than ours, are still special and valuable.

Be considerate of the types of questions that you ask about our child's background and personal history, especially in their presence and especially if they are old enough to understand.
Would it offend you if someone asked if you have AIDS, if you were abandoned, if your parents were drug users or how your parents died? If so, best not to ask these questions to someone else. We understand that it is normal to be curious and to wonder about the circumstances that led to a child's adoption. However, these are things that we discuss openly in our immediate family but not elsewhere. Our children may or may not choose to divulge more of their personal stories someday when they are older but they are THEIR stories and details to share, not mine.

Sometimes adopted children need to be parented differently than biological children. 
We are not spoiling them. We aren't making excuses for poor behavior. Rather, we are parenting a child whose background may be very dissimilar to anything we've experienced. A child who has been abandoned and who has a fear of abandonment shouldn't be sent to time out alone in another room. A child who is still attaching to their adoptive family may need to be firmly held while having loving, affirming words whispered into their ear during a full-blown tantrum. The types of consequences that work for other children might not work for a child who doesn't have the same sense of value of their possessions and who doesn't understand what it means to have privileges. As parents, we must be flexible to help meet the individual needs of our child even if it means that we do things a little differently sometimes.

If you would like to give a gift to our new child, please consider something small that the whole family can enjoy together.
A few ideas are a frozen meal, a gift card to the movies, a small ornament commemorating the adoption or art supplies for all of the kids to share. We know that you want to welcome our new additions but gifts can be overwhelming for children who have had few material possessions. Also, we want our children to learn to love you for who you are, not for the fact that they hope they'll get another gift the next time they see you again. Other siblings may also experience jealousy and resentment if the new addition suddenly receives an armory of gifts and they are excluded.

Attachment takes time and work.
It doesn't happen overnight. Even if it appears that our child is securely attached to us it may take many months or years and every child and every family bonds differently. Many times we're faking it until we make it but one day we will wake up and realize that we're not faking it anymore and that our love is deep and real.

Parents who have recently added a child through adoption need support, friendship, love and encouragement.
Even if we're somewhat withdrawn and spending a lot of time at home cocooning with our new addition we value our friendships. Please continue to check up on us and to email, text, call or stop by. If you were in our life before we still want you in our life and in the lives of our children!

Please refrain from commenting on our child's appearance (specifically relating to ethnicity/race) in front of him or her.
All children want to feel included and to fit in. Pointing out how dark they are, how differently they look from the rest of us or how unique their hair feels only makes them feel like they stand out more.

Please do not ask adopted children if they like their new parents/family.
Adopted children do not usually get to hand pick their family. Adoption is similar to an arranged marriage and unique, sometimes very different people are brought together. With hard work and patience true love may grow. However, ask ANY child, biological or adopted (especially any older child!) if they like their parents and be prepared for some interesting answers!

It takes time to help children start to heal from a difficult past.
Just because they have been with us for a certain amount of time does not mean that the are "fixed". On the other hand, just because children are adopted does not necessarily mean that they will be any more difficult, defiant, less successful or anything else as teenagers or adults.

Educating your children about adoption and diversity helps my children. 
Talking openly about adoption, children who look different than one or both parents and other "nontraditional" family structures helps our children feel accepted and secure at extracurricular activities, church, school and elsewhere in our community.

Our new additions are not celebrities.
We appreciate all of the love and support that we were shown during our adoption process and we know that everyone is excited to meet them. However, taking photos of just our adopted child or pouring attention on them while ignoring our other children is not healthy for anyone. The child who is receiving all of the attention often feels singled out and siblings quickly become resentful.

Our children may be "delayed" when they join our family but often they just need time.  
Adopted children are placed into environments that may be very different than anything they've ever experienced. They may be overstimulated, confused and sometimes there are language barriers. With time and patience most emotional, intellectual and physical delays will be overcome.

Please do not tell us how amazing we (parents) are because we have chosen to adopt. 
We know that this comment is usually intended as a compliment but our adopted kids are not burdens, charity cases or a community service project to be completed.  As parents we gladly invest the time and energy needed to ensure the happiness and well-being of any of our children.

We may discourage physical contact with our child for the first several months that they are home or until we feel like they are securely attached to us.
Please do not insist on holding them, hugging them or having them sit on your lap. Many children who have lived in orphanages and institutions learn to fight for adult attention. Often they can put on quite the show and act like the most friendly, charming child to draw attention to themselves. While it may be cute and though it gives the false impression that they are well-adjusted and confident, it is very important that initially the parents are the only adults who help fulfill these children's need for physical affection. This also teaches healthy boundaries and is a safety consideration since no child, adopted or biological, should feel obligated to have close physical contact with someone that they do not know well.

We do not advertise our child's "cost".
If you would like to know how expensive our adoption process was, please ask when our children are not present, call after our kids are in bed or send us an email. Most adoptive families are happy to share our experiences and to provide helpful information but we do not ever want our children to feel like they were bought or that they are commodities.

When the going gets tough please do not ask if we regret our decision to adopt or imply that "we asked for it".
Few people would tell a sleep-deprived mother of a colicky newborn "well, you asked for this" and it would be considered rude to ask a new mother if she regretted her decision to have a baby. Just because something is difficult does not mean that we regret it. There are bumps in the road of every journey.

Even the happiest of adoptions are a result of challenging or difficult circumstances. 
Though we like to think of adoption as a "happy ending", birth parents may have made difficult decisions, children may have faced losses and many lives were forever changed. Though most adopted children grow to be happy, well-adjusted adults and though most adoptive families are beautiful and full of love, it is important not to romanticize adoption.

And, most importantly:

No one is perfect.
If you slip and call our biological kids our "real" kids or if you've already asked "What happened to his mother?" we won't hold a grudge. We know that our family is different. We understand that it is impossible to be sensitive and politically correct in every situation all the time. These are ideas and suggestions, not commandments.

We appreciate that you care about our family. We cannot thank you enough for wanting to learn more about supporting and understanding the adoptive family and for helping make this transition as smooth as possible for all of us!

If you would like to read more about supporting adoptive families, adjustment and how you can help, "After the Airport" is a great blog post.  "I am not Super Mom: Ten things I want you to know about adoption" is another good read.

Fundraising Friday

There are many times when a picture says it all. So here are a few to show you a typical Ugandan village school.

The resources are so basic and yet this is deemed a good school. And it is that! The teachers work hard and ultimately the children learn and thrive here. But take another look at those classrooms. Mud walls, written posters to learn from, hard wooden benches, tiny windows, cramped conditions.

I know I can't change the whole school in one visit but I can try to change something's.

We will be visiting this very school when we go to Uganda this year. Already we are planning how we can have the best impact on the community. Sometimes it takes only a few pounds.

Towards the end of the holidays we went shopping and came across these bright, laminated style educational posters.

They were a bargain and as soon as I saw them I thought of this very school in Uganda. We (mam & me) picked them up and they sit ready for a journey to another continent. I know they will be the best used posters ever! The teachers will be over the moon receiving them. So this week I wanted to show you how it isn't about raising thousands of pounds (though that would be amazing) its about spending whatever we have on what will help. £4 bought a wonderful resource for a school. We can all do something, no matter how small.

Russia's Adoption Ban

I'm sure you were all able to see the adoption crisis happening in Russia, when the government there opted to not allow American families to adopt from Russia.  It was truly heartbreaking to hear that the government signed all the paperworks to allow this to happen.  All signed and sealed due to a political difference between countries.  Children caught up and being used in political tactics.

I realise we are not American, so you may wonder why I have decided to include it on my blog?  The answer would be to highlight how unstable intercountry adoption can be.  At any moment, in any country, trusts can be broken and the whole law changed that affects vulnerable children.  In the midst of these goverment changes, there are children being let down.  Vulnerable children who may have even met their families and were hoping to 'go home' to their forever family soon.  There are 46 families who were currently in the process of adopting from Russia, who have met their children and were awaiting court dates to finalise things.  Many of these children have special needs.  Now their hopes are gone!  Due to the ban coming into practice almost immediately, all their processes have stopped.

Russia made statements saying how they will provide for the needs of their children and will find in country solutions for all the orphans they have.  As I mentioned earlier, many of the children left in Russian institutions have special needs.  They need families that can meet their needs, medical, physical and emotional.  For the time these children remain in institutions, none of their needs as human beings are being met.  They are hidden away as the forgotten members of society. 

An American family who have adopted from Russia, share their concerns and views at their blog.  This is an extract taken from their blog post.  The whole article is really worth a read in full as they share their personal story of a Russian adoption journey.

'I do believe that children with disabilities have an opportunity at a better life in a family than they do in an institution.
Let me reiterate this: the hearts of the Russian people we met are not reflected by their president. The institution, at least the one we saw, was not run by horrible people. They do the very best with the little bit that the government affords them. Remember, all of these institutions are all government-run. In Kirill’s institution, one worker was responsible for the total care of thirteen children. Think about that for a moment. Imagine thirteen children with intensive special needs. Now imagine being totally responsible for all of their care…bathing, changing diapers, feeding, clothing, and giving medications…there is no time for love, nurturing, or play. The director and the social worker at Kirill’s institution loved and wanted the best care for the children, but they couldn’t provide it with what they were given by the government.
You might ask, “Why can’t Russian families take care of the orphans there?” Russian citizens cannot adopt these children even if they wanted to. There is no place for them in society-no handicap accesible facilites, no special education programs, no jobs, and no medical care. Institutions are the only options for these children.

So where does this new ban on adoptions leave the children of Russia with disabilities? It is a death sentence for most of them. The only other option would be sweeping reform of the orphan care system in Russia, which would take years if not decades. That would only happen if there were a major paradigm shift in the Russian government as well…that doesn’t seem very realistic as long as Putin is president.'

Our eyes opened

Throughout our adoption journey, we had so many obstacles to overcome.  At the back of your mind you know that your whole outcome is based on the trust your home country has with your child's birth country.  For these 46 families and the children awaiting their forever families this is one hurdle that they don't need.  One hurdle that needs to fall.  Even if the Russian government won't reverse their adoption ban, then we at least need to lobby for the 46 families who were in the midst of the adoption process to finalise things and bring their children home.  We need to keep this in the media and at the forefront of every governments minds, the UK included, so that when it is discussed at a higher level, those 46 families and the children awaiting their arrival in Russia to take them home, are not forgotten about.

Fundraising Friday's

This year will see us return to Uganda! We plan to spend two weeks in my favourite part of the world.

This will be Lutaaya's first visit back so its a big deal. I want her to see more of her birth country than the 4 walls she looked at for almost 9 years in her former home. I want her to share in exploring her birth country, the sights and sounds and feel of the place that I came to love. More importantly, I want her to know her culture and the people behind that culture. Truly amazing people that I now call friends.

So I decided to invite you on our journey too. Not in the way where you jump on the plane with us but in the sense of our preparations and plans. Come on a journey to Uganda with us.

While in Uganda we don't want to simply holiday. We want to still bless the many people we meet along the way. There are endless lists of needs I could list here but ultimately they all cost money. So I thought I would do a series of blog posts where I share some of our fundraising ideas, advertise events in aid of Uganda and share some ways you can get involved too. These posts will form a series called 'Fundraising Friday's'.

The series will give me opportunity to share our plans of what we hope to do while in Uganda as well as ways you can get involved. If you want to organise an event or fundraiser in aid of our trip then let me know and we can feature it here too. Maybe you could hold a fundraiser at work or at your church? If you want me to come and share our story at your church, simply leave a comment here or message me on Facebook. If I'm able to come along and talk about Uganda and the needs there, I'd be more than happy to share my many stories and future plans.

From the name, you probably guessed these blogs will happen on a Friday. So keep updated on the blog each Friday as you won't want to miss any. And if anyone thinks they can help in organising an event or have an idea of a craft, etc that may be a good fundraiser, please get in touch. As the supermarket chain advert says, 'every little helps'.

New Year, New Beginnings!

New Year's Eve often leaves us contemplating........

Contemplating the year behind us; the new year before us; plans being made; relationships, old, new and those yet to start; new year resolutions; life; love; faith.

Generally it's a time for new beginnings.  A time we set ourselves goals that may appear a little unrealistic by the end of January.

It's a time of reflection.  A time of forgiveness.  A time for moving on.

Inevitably, it's a time of HOPE!

Hope of what lies ahead.  What joyous adventures we may find oursleves on in this coming year.

So whatever circumstances you find yourself in at the end of 2012 and the beginning of 2013, hang on to that HOPE.  Hope for a better tomorrow.

Happy New Year! 

Picture from Faith by Design Coverz