Family is a verb

Thanks to Ann Voskamp for this take on family. 

The Adoption Diet

Dieting comes in all shapes and forms.  Some diet plans look like starvation strategies while others make me wonder how anyone can lose weight on them when you see the amount of food you have to eat.  Some people live on diets for the whole of their lives.  Some people dip in and out at those times of the year when they feel they need to be a little more toned, for holidays or special occasion’s maybe.  Some people take on an exercise regime as well as a strict diet, while others casually cut down on the bad things.  Some people will never touch a diet.

 

There are so many diet books, exercise DVDs, example food plans and so much more in our societies.  There is a pressure on society to look and feel a certain way.  There’s an emphasis on achieving that ‘perfect body’.  Trends come and go and the names of the diets or lifestyle plans change with time.  

 

There isn’t a one size fits all model in dieting.  

 

Not one book could relate to every person wanting to lose weight or tone up.  Each is as individual as the person reading it.

 

If someone came up with a lifestyle plan that kept everyone fit, healthy and achieving body confidence then they would be a millionaire but that’s never going to happen.

 

It will never happen because we are all unique.

 

We all have goals in life that are distinctive to the person dreaming them up.  We don’t all want to walk the same path or follow the same dreams.    

 

And yet when it comes to adoption we sometimes want that one size fits all model.

 

Social workers and adoption agencies send all prospective adopters on the same training.  We all fit the same home study procedures.  We all get advised on what are the ‘good’ books to buy.  We see other adopters sharing their blogs on the internet and advising us to ‘read this’ and ‘watch that’ because it’s something all adoptive families need to know about.  

 

And when we get our children placed with us we want them to ‘fit’ into the reality we have dreamt up. 

 

We’re setting ourselves and our children up for a fail.  

 

Just like our attitudes to diets, our children are unique and there has been no book written in parenting that little person in front of you. 

 

One technique that works for a friend may not work for you……and that’s OK!  You’re not a failing parent if the successful parenting course doesn’t fit your family.  You’re just working out what works for you.  You’re not a failing parent if you disagree with another parent on how to deal with poor behaviour or even what justifies as poor behaviour.  You’re just working out what works for you.

 

You get the chance to write your own parenting book that is as individual to your family as your child is.

 

Obviously there are characteristics that children and young people can follow depending on their age or stage but if they don’t reach milestones at the same pace as your friend’s child, then that’s OK too!  They’ll get there, in their own time and at their own pace.  

 

We can learn from each other’s experiences and share what does work and what bits we feel like we’re still learning on.  It’s good to have that support network around us but remember, that one size fits all model just isn’t true. 

 

The best of the best authors in child development can write the most amazing book that has ever come out in the adoption world.  And there may be strategies in there that you can use in your family or adapt for your family but that author wrote about their own research and experience from their own perspective - Not yours!  They didn’t study your child; or your family; or your home; or your parenting capabilities; or your past experiences.  It doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong if this wonderful book doesn’t fit you – you’re just working out what works for you!

 

In the same way we may stumble across blogs of adult adoptees who share their experiences.  They may tell of a wonderful childhood and feeling a sense of belonging and hope through their adoption, or they may talk of a hell on earth experience of feeling like they were never fully a part of the family they were adopted into and how they wished they’d remained with their birth family, etc, etc.  That child is not your child.  That is NOT YOUR child’s story.  Each story is re-told from their experiences and their own level of understanding and point of view.  There may be similarities and we may learn from mistakes made, but remember, you’re working out what works best for you.  You get the chance to help your child write their own story, not mimic someone else’s’.  

 

Some children have a huge impact from their early trauma, some don’t.  Some children have issues with attachment, some don’t.  Some children will have educational or developmental delays, some won’t.  Some children will be adopted at the earliest opportunity, some won’t.  Some children remain in institutional care for long periods of time; some don’t.  Some children have social skills difficulties, some don’t.  Some children have toileting issues, some don’t.  Some children have food issues, some don’t.  Some children will want to have their whole adoption story re-told to them over and over, some won’t.  Some children have trust issues; some don’t’.   Some children will be resilient, some won’t.  Some children will simply fit, and some won’t. 

 

Some children will thrive and some will stumble and fall.  As parents we have to be there to help them along their own journey.  We have to work out what works best for us! 

 

Adoption support groups are great to share those niggles of when something isn’t going right and to offer a listening ear but they can also drag us down and make us feel a dark fearful gloom.  (On the plus side, it’s always good to hear that maybe some parents are having a harder time than you and you can put your own issues into perspective!)  Adoption research books are an amazing fall back option of knowledge and tried and tested methods of parenting that can sometimes challenge traditional parenting styles but remember there may only be one chapter or even one page that is going to benefit your family in the whole of that book.  (And that’s OK!)  Blogs make the world a smaller place and help us interact with a worldwide community of adoptive families.  They may link us up with a greater support network but just because that blogger has 1,000,000 readers doesn’t mean they hold the answers for you. 

 

The support that is probably best looks like it’s a little bit of everything, all mixed in together and then sifted out to leave you with the bits that work best for you.  You’re writing your own story of a very individual and unique journey remember, because that child in front of you is a unique and individual little human being who comes with their own set of experiences, circumstances and abilities. 

 

Next time you’re feeling like you’re drowning in this world of parenting, go grab a diet book and remember one size doesn’t fit all.

 

Time flies

Doesn’t time fly?  I mean I knew it had been a while since I last updated the blog but I was shocked to see the last post was October 2014!!!! 

 

Life sometimes runs away with me and days soon become weeks and then weeks become months. Life just happens. 

 

The blog sadly took a back seat for a while.  

 

The thing is, even though the blog hasn’t been updated doesn’t mean I haven’t been writing down some thoughts, feelings and opinions on things over the past 8 months.  I have even gone as far as typing them out into blog articles but for some reason the time never seemed to happen to actually upload them on the blog and press the publish button.

 

I wish I could tell you there was a reason but there isn’t.  It really was a case of time running away with me.

 

So now I’m re-charged and ready to start getting those blogs up and running again.

 

I mean, we even missed a Christmas!  (Well we certainly didn’t miss Christmas but you know what I mean, it never appeared here.)  So as well as filling you in on all our goings on, I’ll also add those blog articles that have been lying around for the past few months.  

 

I think I need to be a little more proactive in scheduling in the blogging dates, so here goes…….first blog in a while, coming soon. 

Operation Christmas Child

You may have spotted the word 'Christmas' in the title?  And yep I too agree, it is a tad too early for talk of festivities and to see all the shopping aisles become overflowing with an abundance of Christmas 'stuff' that we are meant to need to make our Christmas special. 

But we have a tradition in our house. 

A tradition that each year we can brighten up someone else's Christmas. 

A little boy or girl we do not know and indeed may never know. 

All we know is that we can have a part in their Christmas. 

Each year, around this time, we think of whether we will choose a boy or girl and around what age they will be. We consider all the little treats they may like to unwrap and explore. We get a little bit each week in our trolley and soon it mounts up. 

 

We wrap a shoe box with pretty Christmas paper and we spend a fun filled night packing our boxes. 

We talk about the little boy or girl as we pack, and think about their little face as they open their box. What will they see first?  What will be their favourite gift?  Will they like seeing the photo and note we've added? 

Christmas is a time to share the gift of love. A gift that costs us nothing but is more valuable than any materialistic object on any Christmas list. To pack this box helps us share that love in a practical way. Sharing love with a child who may feel unloved and devalued. It helps them know someone, somewhere was thinking of them and put the time and effort into preparing this special gift box just for them. 

I love the Operation Christmas Child shoe box appeal that Samaritans Purse run each year. This act of love means so much to each and every child who receive a box. Children around the world, who without these boxes, may not even know that Christmas means love. 

I was in such a fortunate position to ask people of my community to stand by me and help collect as many boxes as we could this year. My community never cease to amaze me.  They selflessly give and support such worthy causes each and every time. They filled my car with their boxes of love. 

These are just a few we squeezed in the boot, the back seat is filled too. 

I can't wait until after Christmas, when we get to find out where our boxes go too. We'll know exactly which part of the world a little boy or girl are from who received our box of love. 

Harvest Table.

Happy Harvest everyone!

Our Harvest Hamper was carefully packed ready for our Harvest service.

This year our collection was for the local Food Bank.  It’s a much needed service in our local area where many people are struggling financially at the moment. 

It’s important to us as a family that we are thankful for all that we have and share our gratitude with others.  Harvest gives us a practical means of helping someone less fortunate that ourselves.  It opens up discussions of serving and love; sharing and caring within our own family.  If we can help someone in need, why would we not? 

We are blessed to be a blessing. 

Our one act of kindness, added to the multitude of other acts within our church community, add up to so much more.  We can each do a small thing to help another and if we stand together in helping we can do so much more.  

Boo!

So we’ve made it to October and the Spooktacular month is upon us!  The month full of pumpkins, harvest baskets, black cats, fancy dress, trick or treat, ducking apples and family fun.  Leaves are starting to change their appearance or fall and there’s a crispness in the air each morning, indicating Autumn has arrived. 

I love the colours of autumn.  I love the fun and festivities. 

I remember making a conscious effort in October 2011 to make Halloween a fun family experience for my then 10 year old daughter, who was witnessing her first encounter of all this madness of witches hats and bats filling up our shopping aisles.  It was all a little scary for a little girl who hadn’t long moved from Uganda, where witchcraft is commonplace and very real.

This year will be no different….other than we want to spread a little community spirit too.

Our October is going to be fun-filled with lots of family activities, gift giving and surprises.  It won’t all be filled with the Halloween horrors, although we do plan to have some extra fun on Halloween night.

So our friends and neighbours can look out because we are coming to surprise you!  Maybe tonight?  Maybe tomorrow?

We are coming to ‘BOO’ you.

It’s a little bit of fun that will hopefully spread a cheer or two around our neighbourhood and I invite you to join in wherever you live too! 

You can get all the details and free printable here!  Courtesy of the Dating Divas.

Basically, once darkness arrives one night in October, you need to run to the door of your chosen family with your print outs and your bag of goodies.  It’s a bit like knock knock ginger, as in you knock their door and run away, leaving only the goody bag and the note to say they’ve been BOO-ed!

The unsuspecting family get a nice surprise and you get the fun of spreading a smile.  They then copy the print out to spread the fun onto another two friends or neighbours within the next two days.  Each family BOO-ed, display the poster in their window or door so no one gets BOO-ed twice.  The fun continues until our whole neighbourhood have shared in the fun and we see a poster in every house window. 

So who will you BOO?  When are you going to strike?  Do you think you can run from the doorway without getting caught?  Your chosen family should never find out it was you who BOO-ed them. (I wonder who will BOO us?)  

Let’s spread some fun and laughter together around our communities and have some more fun filled family nights together this October.  Get spreading the spirit people!

The night you get BOO-ed change your facebook status to ‘We’ve been BOO-ed’ so we can see the fun spread amongst our friends online too.  

BAAF

I had the privilege to write an article for the BAAF blog about our personal journey recently.  Our story took up two weeks on their blog and I hope it encourages others to consider not only adoption, but older child adoption.

You can take a look at the BAAF blog here!