Bizarre adoption challenges

In the preparation to the adoption, whilst all the legal processing was being dealt with in both countries, I read lots.  Anything remotely to do with adoption I read.  I talked to people who had been there, done that and ultimately got the t-shirt and found out many things.  Some I never realised. Some I didn’t even believe.  I can hand on heart say, that until you have adopted, these things would not cross your mind.  So I thought I’d share an insight with you.

(Please bear in mind I adopted an older child from institutionalised care.  These ‘facts’ may not be true of children adopted domestically from foster homes and WILL not be true to ALL children.)

1.        Children from institutions can find it difficult to feel hot or cold!  If no one is there in your younger years to tell you what the feelings are or telling you move out of the sun because you’re hot, or to wrap up warm when you’re colder, how would you know?  Bizarre, but we struggle with this one a lot!  Lutaaya is NEVER cold!  Or so she seems to think!

2.       Children from institutions struggle with emotions.  Again linked to the one above.  Our emotions/feelings are learned.  If no one explains them or distinguishes between them, you get confused and they get muddled together.  So when you feel excited it may make you misbehave, because you simply cannot pop a lid on that emotion and it becomes too much to deal with. 

3.       Children from institutions find it difficult to make decisions.  In any setting and for any decision.  These children have never had an option to choose anything.  They have lost control of their life at a very young age and most would have had every decision made for them in an institution.  Believe me, this one takes time and patience, and the ability to limit decisions in every day life.

4.       Children who have been in an institution for a long time learn the art of manipulation.  This sounds harsh but is so true.  They go to the people who will give them what they’re looking for, regardless of who that person is.  They are good at bluffing.  If I act childish you’ll treat me younger.  If I smile and act sweet, you may give me a gift.  Fight or flight I guess?

5.       Children from institutions don’t believe in themselves and their abilities.  They have never received praise, they can’t cope with their emotions.  So if they get praised for a piece of work they are very likely to simply sit and destroy it.  It can be a tricky thing not to then give them the reaction they want, as it’s only the negative feedback they are used too.

All in all, children from institutions see the world in a very different way.  And why wouldn’t they?  Where they’ve been is not nice, it’s not fun and it’s not a home!  I’ve listed only 5 points but there are many more!  Every day is a learning experience when you see it through your child’s eyes.  Every day we learn new ways to deal with the hundreds of things written about in adoption books, and those that we experience in our family but we live in hope.  Things are changing and a previous institutionalised child will thrive in a family.  They will start to overcome the hurdles they face.  They will, in time, adapt and realise that this is different to what they know and that it is better. 

The moral of the story has to be:

Let’s get children out from institutions and into families!!!!

This adoption learning curve

I opened this blog up to any question or query you wanted to ask a while ago.  Even if it was only for me to re-tell a story that you may have heard me talk about.  The one thing I promised was to answer EVERYTHING. 

And you know what, I always try my very best to keep my promises.

So whether I message you back individually, or post a new blog, I really will answer everything you ask.  I’m sure some of you are already aware of that as I have answered some emails. 

The thing is.  This is MY blog.  It’s OUR story, Lutaaya and I, but ultimately I choose what goes on here and what doesn’t.  There are obviously things that are personal to us that I would not choose to post on a blog, and I hope you can respect me in doing this.  After all, no 10 year old wants their WHOLE life published on the internet. 

So I must admit, I have kept the blog as light-hearted as I can.    I don’t want Lutaaya to ever read it and think I didn’t do her justice.  In saying that, there have been days, (more challenging days), when all I have wanted to do is sit and share everything happening in a blog.  Then I lack courage and it stays inside me. 

The stories of sweetness and light do not make a FULL adoption story.  There are days when things get on top of you or you doubt your abilities in different situations.  There are days when things are simply challenging.

One question I publicly published on the blog as a result of my blog challenge was, ‘what’s the most difficult part of adopting an older child?’  And you know what, it’s something I have wanted to blog about but never have done.

I opened this blog up, and now it’s time to keep my promise.

So Deb, this one’s for you!

This adoption journey has certainly been a huge learning curve in my life.  It was the first time for me to parent, let alone deal with issues that adoption brings about.  So after dealing with the frustrations of the whole process, I finally get my girl home.  And then there are things that no matter how many books you read, you can never prepare for!

I mean, I expected there to be attachment issues.  There are bound to be when my child had no main caregiver to provide for her in the first 9 years of her life.  I was prepared in as much as I could be for that.  I understood that even though my love was unconditional for her, she doesn’t have that YET for me.  She has no clue of what it feels like to be ‘mothered’, she only knows how to be a mother.  (She took on a lot of responsibility for caring for the younger children at the home.)

She doesn’t know that FOREVER, really does mean FOREVER!

I can’t make her know that she is here for good.  I can’t make her understand that I am her mother.  I can’t help her recognise that I will never stop loving her no matter what. 

She has had so many people come and go in her life that she has an in-rooted concept that I too, will one day not be there for her.  This really does break my heart.

Then the distinguishing between me and others.  How does a little girl really appreciate that even though lots of people care for her and love her, she really does only have one mother?  And yes, one of the hardest issues of the whole attachment disorder, is the fact she can sit and hug, and be close too, virtually anyone else, but will shy away from me.  This was worse in the earlier stages of bringing her home and isn’t so much an issue now, but it’s still there.  It’s a tough battle.  It’s difficult to ask someone not to speak for Lutaaya.  When she needs that pause to think of her answer and someone steps in on her behalf.  I find it so frustrating.  When she hangs on someone’s arm or around their neck and I feel the need to step in and tell her to just sit at the side of them as those cuddles are special for Mummy’s and their girls, part of me feels like I’m betraying her.  But she really doesn’t know how to differentiate between relationships.  Initially she thought all people were friends and safe, then we went to the stage of stranger danger where she refused to speak to new people or even acknowledge they were there!  We’ll get there I know we will as we’re making progress every day.

Even in typing ABOUT these challenges that all stem from attachment issues, I wouldn’t say this is the MOST difficult thing for me to deal with.  So over the next few nights, I’ll keep adding and hopefully give you an insight into our adoption journey, of adopting an older child.