Dieting comes in all shapes and forms. Some diet plans look like starvation strategies while others make me wonder how anyone can lose weight on them when you see the amount of food you have to eat. Some people live on diets for the whole of their lives. Some people dip in and out at those times of the year when they feel they need to be a little more toned, for holidays or special occasion’s maybe. Some people take on an exercise regime as well as a strict diet, while others casually cut down on the bad things. Some people will never touch a diet.
There are so many diet books, exercise DVDs, example food plans and so much more in our societies. There is a pressure on society to look and feel a certain way. There’s an emphasis on achieving that ‘perfect body’. Trends come and go and the names of the diets or lifestyle plans change with time.
There isn’t a one size fits all model in dieting.
Not one book could relate to every person wanting to lose weight or tone up. Each is as individual as the person reading it.
If someone came up with a lifestyle plan that kept everyone fit, healthy and achieving body confidence then they would be a millionaire but that’s never going to happen.
It will never happen because we are all unique.
We all have goals in life that are distinctive to the person dreaming them up. We don’t all want to walk the same path or follow the same dreams.
And yet when it comes to adoption we sometimes want that one size fits all model.
Social workers and adoption agencies send all prospective adopters on the same training. We all fit the same home study procedures. We all get advised on what are the ‘good’ books to buy. We see other adopters sharing their blogs on the internet and advising us to ‘read this’ and ‘watch that’ because it’s something all adoptive families need to know about.
And when we get our children placed with us we want them to ‘fit’ into the reality we have dreamt up.
We’re setting ourselves and our children up for a fail.
Just like our attitudes to diets, our children are unique and there has been no book written in parenting that little person in front of you.
One technique that works for a friend may not work for you……and that’s OK! You’re not a failing parent if the successful parenting course doesn’t fit your family. You’re just working out what works for you. You’re not a failing parent if you disagree with another parent on how to deal with poor behaviour or even what justifies as poor behaviour. You’re just working out what works for you.
You get the chance to write your own parenting book that is as individual to your family as your child is.
Obviously there are characteristics that children and young people can follow depending on their age or stage but if they don’t reach milestones at the same pace as your friend’s child, then that’s OK too! They’ll get there, in their own time and at their own pace.
We can learn from each other’s experiences and share what does work and what bits we feel like we’re still learning on. It’s good to have that support network around us but remember, that one size fits all model just isn’t true.
The best of the best authors in child development can write the most amazing book that has ever come out in the adoption world. And there may be strategies in there that you can use in your family or adapt for your family but that author wrote about their own research and experience from their own perspective - Not yours! They didn’t study your child; or your family; or your home; or your parenting capabilities; or your past experiences. It doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong if this wonderful book doesn’t fit you – you’re just working out what works for you!
In the same way we may stumble across blogs of adult adoptees who share their experiences. They may tell of a wonderful childhood and feeling a sense of belonging and hope through their adoption, or they may talk of a hell on earth experience of feeling like they were never fully a part of the family they were adopted into and how they wished they’d remained with their birth family, etc, etc. That child is not your child. That is NOT YOUR child’s story. Each story is re-told from their experiences and their own level of understanding and point of view. There may be similarities and we may learn from mistakes made, but remember, you’re working out what works best for you. You get the chance to help your child write their own story, not mimic someone else’s’.
Some children have a huge impact from their early trauma, some don’t. Some children have issues with attachment, some don’t. Some children will have educational or developmental delays, some won’t. Some children will be adopted at the earliest opportunity, some won’t. Some children remain in institutional care for long periods of time; some don’t. Some children have social skills difficulties, some don’t. Some children have toileting issues, some don’t. Some children have food issues, some don’t. Some children will want to have their whole adoption story re-told to them over and over, some won’t. Some children have trust issues; some don’t’. Some children will be resilient, some won’t. Some children will simply fit, and some won’t.
Some children will thrive and some will stumble and fall. As parents we have to be there to help them along their own journey. We have to work out what works best for us!
Adoption support groups are great to share those niggles of when something isn’t going right and to offer a listening ear but they can also drag us down and make us feel a dark fearful gloom. (On the plus side, it’s always good to hear that maybe some parents are having a harder time than you and you can put your own issues into perspective!) Adoption research books are an amazing fall back option of knowledge and tried and tested methods of parenting that can sometimes challenge traditional parenting styles but remember there may only be one chapter or even one page that is going to benefit your family in the whole of that book. (And that’s OK!) Blogs make the world a smaller place and help us interact with a worldwide community of adoptive families. They may link us up with a greater support network but just because that blogger has 1,000,000 readers doesn’t mean they hold the answers for you.
The support that is probably best looks like it’s a little bit of everything, all mixed in together and then sifted out to leave you with the bits that work best for you. You’re writing your own story of a very individual and unique journey remember, because that child in front of you is a unique and individual little human being who comes with their own set of experiences, circumstances and abilities.
Next time you’re feeling like you’re drowning in this world of parenting, go grab a diet book and remember one size doesn’t fit all.
